Bands Worth Driving to Atlanta For, and Others....Not So Much.

As those people who are close to me know, I, as well as my loyal whipping boy Rufus, have a distinct hatred of a certain city.

In fact, it is a hatred that is so deeply ingrained into me that my entire psyche revolts from the typical path of “just let it go and breathe” method and hyper drives into full out bitch mode.
  Yes, Atlanta. The shining city of the south that spews cultural love and brotherhood and hosts alternative death metal bands across the street from the heartwarmingly saccharine Museum of Puppetry.  That city. The city whose glistening sky scrapers hide the ugly truth of braided, interweaving traffic where the drivers feel no need to actually look at the road as they peruse the fluctuating 15 lanes at the reasonable speed of 90mph.

   The city that hosts “Valet Parking Only” when your car is about 20 years older than the idiot who is trying to crank it up for your so called convenience. Especially when you specifically told him not to touch the fucking 1979 Diesel who has glow plugs. But no, he had to try to crank it like any old Honda and did a really good job of almost flooding the engine as you scream at him to get out of your car and that you’ll have his nut sack on a plate if he doesn’t stop.
   Ahem….pardon my French.  

All of this aside, the concert at Center Stage was beyond Epic!
Dir en Grey rules. Enough said.

So, to begin. There are certain bands Myself and Jackie will go through Hell and back to see…and…there are certain bands whom I won’t pull any member out of the way of a passing freight train and certain death. In fact, I might facilitate an “early” demise.

There are many, but I shall limit this list to 10 each.



The Ones That ARE Worth It:

1. Dir en Grey (again)

2. The Gazette

3. Red Hot Chili Peppers

4. Gackt

 5. Depeche Mode (again)

                                                                                                          6. Nickleback (again)

7. 30 Seconds to Mars

8.  Miyavi (again)

9. Chevelle

And last, but certainly not least!
10. Kirito

 No way in Hell!!!1111!

1. The Pillows (or anything a boy named Adrian likes)



















2. Violent Soho

                                                                         3. Shonen Knife

 4. Gwar (no offense, and R.I.P.)

5. Kamelot

6. Steely Dan (go ahead Melon, rip us)



 7. John Mayer

8. Half of the artists on the Twilight soundtracks.

9. This Bitch (Bjork)



















10. Allanis Morriset.

And to crank it to 11.…

The Birthday Massacre....yeah.

Another List!

    Many years ago while Jackie and I were inhabiting the Hard Rock Casino in Tampa, we decided on a blog topic that had great success and gave us a good many stories that make the plots of several comedy films look quite mundane!

   You can locate said post here! I finally found it! Haha! 

http://leolasimmaterialmusings.blogspot.com/2011/10/reasons-for-breaking-up-with-someone.html

..................................................................................................................................................................

So, onward with business!

Here is a continuation of  "Reasons for breaking up with someone and justifiably not feeling bad about it." The Nick Edition.


And we begin with :

#1.   They turn out to be an Emo and cry profusely....all the time.

#2. They call you at one in the morning because their crack- head friend forgot that cars run on gasoline and oil. And now the car runs no more! Because it's owner was a meth slurping, booze swilling moron. And your Xani addled love is sitting on the concrete next to him. Nice.






 


#3. He calls you because, in one day:
He is so distraught, that he had $500 dollars stolen, in broad daylight, in the middle of a KFC! Then, he looses $150 of his own personal money from somewhere in his wallet, and as he is talking to you; distraught and upset and hyperventilating and pissing himself while in his company truck.....loses  control of the vehicle and hits a curb....busting the wheel off the truck and promptly getting fired. Now, all of us have bad days, however.....yeah.
    



#4. He wants to buy a miniature monkey. And harasses you about it for months while blatantly ignoring the fact that the pet brochure says they eat cats. Of which you have two.

#5. Mistakes you for the maid and keeps leaving doggie treats as tips.

#6. Tells you: "I don't know how to tell you this.......I have another boyfriend. Is that cool with you?" On the first date. 



































#7. No matter how many years you've been together, they leave the bathroom door open while dropping a deuce. And then don't wash their hands...and want to hug you.

#8. They have an all consuming need to be by your side 24 hours a day and have determined that work, school and your need to breathe are inconsequential. 

#9. They mumble obscenities and complaints constantly after a disagreement, and then tell you that nothing's wrong. When you distinctly heard them call you a mud- flipping, holocaustic, slack -jawed, yellow -bellied, guinea-napper. 

This is a Guinea. 

This is a Napper.


Don't say I never explain anything.




And finally!
#10.    Not really a date, but the co-worker that you hate so much you want to make out with. And for that I have a video!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNALZ5SkU9c




There you go! And I promise to update more...again....

   Inspiration can come from the oddest sources, can't it?
Yesterday, as I was enjoying my sleep deprivation caused by the combination of having a social life and working at 5am; I discovered a hypothetical situation that needs to be made into a movie!

   To explain, I was at Jackie's house, rolling on the floor and laughing at the ceiling fan when she decided that a seek and find game would make the best entertainment for my wedging brain.
*For those of you not in the know, Wedging is the state of consciousness that is characterized by a severe lack of sleep and too much caffeine. In fact it tends to relate more towards the crash of caffeinated consciousness and onset of insomniatic delirium.* 

This particular game was based around the theme of being in the shoes of a kidnap victim with amnesia. She has to complete these tasks given to her by her kidnapper. A game, if you will. Honestly it was more along the lines of "I'm too lazy to clean my house up so I'm going to kidnap some chick and make her do it."

  All the while, he's taunting her and watching her from the cameras he's stationed around the room. Now, upon her asking where she is, he mentions that he's "taken her memory" and many other things from her.

  At which point I would begin asking where he has placed my penis. Because honestly! I was sure that I'd had it before this lazy ass psychopath took me here! It must be in a box, for that's the best place for a detachable penis, right!?
  Now, if you are actually kidnapped, most people beg and cry to be let go. However, that is what said kidnapper usually wants, if not that then a lot of money... and seeing as how most college students are broke, well then it must be for shits and giggles. 
   So, instead of doing the normal routine, go for a dadaistic approach. Make them think you're bat shit crazy and they'll probably kick you out!

  Saves a lot of time and energy if you start singing the macarena and chewing on your shoe instead of flipping out.

The internet is for.....

Apparently a lot more than porn! 
By the by, Hello Russia. Have some vodka for me!
  So, as an explanation for this story, I was perusing some of the people attending the upcoming Dir en Grey concert at the venue Jackie and myself will be attending. And in doing so, I made a little discovery. Most of the people attending the concert we are going to are...going to all of the concerts. Which is nice and all, don't get me wrong, but if I were a member of the band I might be a little bit nervous about who I was inviting backstage afterward. Perhaps a particular Playboy Bunny for instance, or the nice bassist from a certain band of gingers. *shudder*
   In this frivolous pursuit of my fellow Diruphiles I realized that there is one simple way of determining what kind of person someone actually is. It has very little to do with their demeanor, or their hairstyle (or lack thereof) and can be summed up in one little sentence. 
Facebook Interests and profile pictures.

   Yes my friends! That is all!  Because the nice lady at your mentally handicapped child's center seems all PG until you look her up on the world wide web and discover her love of BSDM and the picture of her balancing a beer bottle on her head while shoving a slice of pizza into her mouth, all while garbed in pirate gear. 
  Most of you will be shaking your head while muttering, "Duh." However, I am very new to this whole technology craze and still find that the shiny center of a 4X6 floppy disc to be the most space age contraption I have seen in a while. 
  Now, this could spawn a whole tirade about how technology is making the youth of today stupid and all, but we will disregard that. Youth is always stupid, no matter what century.

  
So, the moral of the story is thus, the next time you meet that really hot guy on the sidewalk, or wherever; make sure to look him up on Facebook or Google his ass to make sure he doesn't really view himself as this:

  

Awesome Epitaphs

    As we enter into this season of changing (or just falling, as Florida dictates) leaves, many thoughts turn to the other worldly in time for All Hallows Eve. So, as a little treat, I have found some interesting Epitaphs that should inspire some morbid reflections of your own!
    Shakespeare decided that he was not just content with the whole, "here lies so and so, born and died on this date blah-didy blah blah blah" fad. He decided that something a little more personal and pissy was to be involved. And I quote:

Of course this is in good ole English, but the translation is roughly thus, " Good friend for Jesus' sake forebear, to dig the dust enclosed here. Blessed be the man that spares these stones, and curst be he that moves my bones." 

   Now seeing this makes me want to go back to kindergarten and wave this plaque in the teachers face, all while screaming "See! I could spell PERFECTLY!" 

Some are a bit more humorous. Take these and hope that your family is as creative...on some of them, hope they are a little more so.

He was young
He was fair
But the Injuns
Raised his hair

Colorado

Bill Blake
Was hanged by mistake.
Boot Hill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona

Here lays Butch.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw
Boot Hill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona

Falkirk, England 1690
Here lie the bones of Joseph Jones
Who ate while he was able.
But once overfed, he dropt down dead
And fell beneath the table.
When from the tomb, to meet his doom,
He arises amidst sinners.
Since he must dwell in heaven or hell,
Take him – whichever gives the best dinners.
Silver City, Nevada

Here lies a man named Zeke.
Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek.

John Dryden (1631-1700) on his wife
Here lies my wife: here let her lie!
Now she’s at rest, and so am I.

Larne, Ireland – On a hanged sheep stealer
Here lies the body of
Thomas Kemp.
Who lived by wool
and died by hemp.
Bletchley, Bucks, England

So there you have it folks! Have a safe and happy Halloween and wish Jackie and I luck on the exploding pumpkins tomorrow! 

I have finally moved from Myspace!

   So, as the downfall of one of the most famous social networking sites has finally happened, I have transferred the more entertaining of my previous posts to here! Joy for all!
    Unfortunately, I have lost a most entertaining blog that has to do with false advertising, perhaps it inhabits the Jackie Pennington Blogs, but if not then it has been lost to the cruel grips of the interwebs.
   I have promised myself to write at least one blog a week, so as to keep up my knowledge and use of the English Language, which tends to deteriorate at phenomenal speed when not regularly put into practice. Specifically when your father speaks a bastardized form of Cockney and you are in regular contact with him.
  So, short but sweet and to the point, I shall post more. When I remember to.

Things that go bump in the night.

   So, last week I was convinced that the worst thing in Jackie's yard was Chubby Bunny, who terrorized Mandy to no end.  This week it's Bambi from Hell!

   Let me explain, I was walking to my car after a day of relaxed fun when suddenly a strange little thing appeared from behind the back of her father's truck, now, this would not be so wierd if I were in say New York. I would assume it to be a homeless guy, throw him a cigarette and be on my merry way before he figured out that it was a clove and tried to trade it out.

   However, this occured near some trees in Ponte Vedra, where there are no homeless people. And, I am ashamed to say, I backed up to the porch before turning and running like the girl that I am...To get a big stick or that vintage 12gauge sawed off that I knew was by the doorway. 

   Once I burst into the house, Jackie calmed me by telling me that I would be ok, and that she would point a flashlight into the woods while she stood on the porch. Fat lot of good that did.

   I returned to the walkway and began to retrace my steps to the car, all the while describing to dear Bambi about how I was going to slow cook him if he tried that shit again. When suddenly, out of the blue or black if you prefer, a loud crashing resounded through the woods, headed in Jackie's direction! I doubled my speed and reached the car as I heard Jackie unleash a very unladylike torrent of f-bombs, cocksuckers, assmunchers, and the like, before slamming the door.

   We made it out alive, but am not sure what decided to poke it's creepy woodland head out of the primordial Floridian woods and scare the piss out of us, but that night I did dream about double bareling Sam & Dean. So I believe that makes up for the injustice of almost making me wet my pants.

Thank you, powers that be. And goodnight.

Spy Movies and Hooker Heels

I was recently asked how, in God's name, I walked in my new shoes (which I have somehow managed to trapeze around in at work without being yelled at yet). They are four inches tall, metallic copper, and allow me to see the world from the perspective of a person of normal height.
 
In short, I love them.

This then, made me think about Ginger Roberts and the fact that she could do the chacha in these suckers without breaking a sweat. Where as I can barely cross the parking lot at a brisk pace.

So, in short,  Ginger would have made the best spy on earth. Not only could she create a fabulously choreographed distraction, but she could cross a power line without a costume change.  And that, my friends, is the mark of a classy bitch

Reasons for Breaking up with someone and not fealing bad.

Well, I haven't been on in a while, and since the last blog was nothing but a miniature bitch fest...I've decided that I will share with you the lighter side of life. Here, compiled for your pleasure/ information, is the aforementioned list we compiled at the Hard Rock Casino.

Justification # 1.
   He turned out to be gay.

#2. Refers to you as 'the cute little girlfriend' instead of using your real name.

#3. Calls you like a Cocker Spaniel.

#4. Requires to see your report card.

#5. Says something about taking you to church in that post-coital moment.

#6. Gets mad because the asian singer is flirting with you.

#7. Decides to take up stripping.

#8. Is a Neo Nazi.

#9. Doesn't know where the oil goes in a car.

#10. Insults you repeatedly on your lifestyle choices (going to school, reading, taking birth control)

#11. Requests a threesome with his buddy...not another woman, HIS buddy.

#12. Tries to kiss you at 2am, after you know he didn't brush his teeth earlier.

#13.  Trying to kiss you before he brushes his teeth period.

#14. Making a myspace page that compares women to computer programs. aka- how girlfriends are upgraded to wife.

#15. Compares your relationship to a glowing sunset that will light your path to love and life forever, and how because you shine like a diamond in his eye he's going to buy you a pretty, round, shiny object and you're going to like it because you're his girlfriend and he can give you whatever he wants to and he likes you because you're cute and pretty and he wants something little on his arm and you should stop being a bartender and drives up at three am to stop you from leaving him, and splits up your relationship with your friends because some of them are on his side, and then tells you what to do, because he doesn't believe that you're really doing what you say you're doing and that you can't take care of yourself and you love him.
   - all this after two months of mistakenly saying 'sure, I'll go out to dinner with you.'

#16. Is Mormon

And.....#17. Asks you to 'melly me for gleencard.'



And yes, all of this has happened.

How Floridians Survive

Well, as this horrid website has decided to prevent me from posting some more of my story, I have decided to let the rest of the world in on some timeless recipes for staying un-hot and bothered in this wonderful 101 degree weather that we're having right now.
Here are a few of my favorites.

1. Ice water (this is not recommended if you are wearing white-or maybe it is!;)

2. Swamp cooler. It's a hell of a lot handier than it sounds

3. Good old fashioned air conditioner.

4. Window unit - this is not the same as a central heating and air, this model requires that you be in the same room as the unit, the rest of the house, unfortunately, is the same temperature that it is outside.

5. A hose.

6. Your car, so you can make your own breeze

7. The refrigerator

8. Ice placed in front of an electric fan, or your little brother who's assignment is to wave a flattened cardboard box over the ice in your direction so that the headless horseman won't come get him that night.

9. If you are so lucky as to poses an airplane, merely crank it, set it on idle, and pop open a lukewarm Cerveza.

10. Ice rubber banded to your dick....If you are so inclined to have one.

There is your summer survival kit, now, go have fun.

Mabel! I did not mean to treat you oh, so bad!

So, Mabel is dead and what an extraordinary send off! She was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, and now I have Sally The Van and my parents to contend with.

  First of all, neither my father nor my mother believed that she was actually totaled....they thought differently when they actually saw her.


However, I believe that this was the best of circumstances for her to have departed under. Seeing as her trade in value was $300 when the guy had never even seen her (Bluebook said that she was worth a whopping $14).

So, we will be having the funeral next week....sometime....after I find a way to continue driving....like with a new car that I have to find....That's not a piece of shit.

Really Bad Band Names!

Well, it's been a while since I actually had a chance to write anything amusing and entertaining on this site! But do I have a doozy!

Well, several of them...

This has been a long inspired project that has never actually come to fruition as it was more for myself and The Circle's personal amusement, but here is some of it in actual type.

To begin, have you ever gone to a concert and seen some band whose name just made absolutely no sense in any context whatsoever? You know like....Tennessee Flat Top Box, and Five Fisted Death Punch? (Yes, these are actual bands that exist. They're good, but the name is how shall I say...Lacking in star quality?)

Well here is a list that has been composed of potentially horrendously amusing band names. I begin with the classics first:

Bows on your Nipples
Port-a-Potty on a Bridge
Cathead Creek
Old Clyde
Moot Trucklock
Gay Dolphin
Got Axelrod?
Indigenous Cuisine
Can-Naddies
Jasper's Porch

And finally......

The Angry Little Squirrel

Please, if your friend is in a band and any of these type of names come up, encourage them to christen the conglomeration with the most ridiculous one that they can come up with. Because even if it lacks star power, it will be remembered.

Isn't that right Pliney the Younger?

The project at hand...And the impeding of doing so by fake nails.

As Jackie and mine's close friends have found out, we are working on a certain project that is yet to receive an official title...let's just suffice it to say that it involves a LOT of paperwork and editing.
       Along with the reactions of certain liquors with each other.
So, you can see that this could get tricky... especially when you have to begin to consider the probability of lead poisoning in vodka.
    Makes no sense to some, but you try getting around that when you use a nail as the worm substitute!

I can't reveal any more than that without the fear of someone with a lot more money than I have taking the idea and hiring professionals to do what it's taking this amateur about three months. They'll get it done in a week.

But on a more ascetic note, I have fake nails...I'm not so sure how I like this. Seeing as how I can barely type and Myspace is refusing to let me type and scroll at the same time.

The nails are a pretty pink color, I found my old acrylic kit in some box that I had forgotten inhabited my closet. So I decided to practice the old trade and got some pretty good results! Who knew this stuff lasted for over three years!

Well, that's is all for now, I promise to update more often (just like last time.)

Learn'in Good!

As most of the student population of any college knows, there is always that class that falls under the category of a yo-yo class. To provide a definition, the class is first hard, then easy, then hard... I will let you finish the rest of that thought.
    I have that class right now, to be exact it was once upon a time calles Liberal Arts Math, now in the name of change and improvement it has been christened Introduction To Mathematical Art and Caluclation.
  Sounds hard right? It is. I have officially conceded to the fact that math for artists is harder than algebra...not statistics, no, not by a long shot!
But it is harder than your average class because of the yo-yo effect.

   We began Truth Tables today, a formula concieved by Aristotle and perpetuated by those that he tricked into thinking that this was a viable form of calculations. Any idiot can tell you that it is not monday and that the dog is not a hampster. The dog is NEVER a hampster, and no little graph full of Fs and Ts will convince me otherwise. It makes me want to buy the genious who invented this a beer with a micky in it. :p
   But enough of my rant, it's time for free books to asuage my anger...for now.

General Ponderings

Hello again!

My goodness it's been a while since I've posted here. Jackie and I have had a hard enough time keeping up with life itself let alone our myspace pages.

Well, I have been looking for a job recently and have come across some issues with the current method of applying for one.

1.  It's all online.

Yep. It sucks, and if you even go into a crapshoot of a job like say, a certaing retail chain in the mall. There is no paper application or manager on staff to talk to you, they simply state that you should go to their website ( and don't give you the frikkin domain) and apply on there. 

2. Resumes are obsolete.

No one wants them, so don't even bother.

3. The more education and experience you have, the less likely it is that you will get a job.
All companies want teenagers that have no clue that the big boss man is not going to raise their pay as min. wage increases. You get someone with a college education and they're going to know that they're getting screwed...that and they cost more.

4. The idea of a company environment resebling a family.
No one believes the P.R. so just quit faking it. It's a job people! Not your family! Also, how many of us have screwed up families? That's what I thought, no one wants to work with their uncle that gives kamikaze noogie attacks.

5. Higene

I thought it was a requirement.

6. A fast food joint tells you you're overqualified.

They check your citezenship status, who knew!?

7. Being told what to do and how to do it.
Kiss it.

So, that is all for now. I hope that we will start selling products before I have to edit my resume to the point where it says that I graduated High School and that's it (I'm two lines from that now). I have gotten call backs, but they all endevor for me to give the company money so that I can be certified in what they want me to sell....no thank you.
You pay me, I do work. Not I pay you, I work too.

Ten signs you can tell that you're dating Disappointment...

The prompt for this blog is that I went to a job interview that sucked. I mean, sucked like a hoover. Seriously, they told me that the pay is based on "selling sessions" and those are $15 an hour. The session is an hour. Haha, funny guys.
 So, Disappointment is kind of like that guy at work/school/your favorite bar that's halfway good-looking and he keeps stalking you and telling everyone that you're going out. And he keeps it up until you finally give in and just say Yes to shut him up.

So...to begin:

1. Every horribly embarrassing relationship ending cliche has happened to you...not someone you know...You. (EX: Your fiance is gay and dating his room-mate, The hot ass asian you've been dating turns to you post coitus and says something that involves the words "marriage" "greencard" and "I give you $10,000...I love you." / Calls you like a cocker spaniel and then spills his beer on you)
2. You have only a PS2 to keep you company.
3.You live in a shed
4.Your wisdom teeth have staged a revolt
5. You always pick the wrong week to quit smoking
6. You don't have a gay JRock band to play spin the bottle for skittles
7.You have a gay nephew that you are expressly forbidden from teasing with a be-dazzler
8. Everywhere you go you see hot people with ugly lovers...seriously wtf?
9. All jobs are apparently commission based and you have to pay the company a minimum of $500 to work there. No.
10. You found a wrinkle..and not one that's permanently ingrained into your face from making a facial expression that indicates you think less of the person talking to you's intelligence....less than a clam. No, one that signifies you are getting old.

But don't let this get you down, there are many things that will help you dump Disappointment or at least stop him in his tracks! They include puppies that always wag their tails when you get home and friends that will always answer your call and commiserate about how, they too, are being stalked by Disappointment. We'll just call him Greg for now.

Expect Amusement Later

   There are some days that seem they will never end. We normally wish that those days are the good ones, but more often than not they are the days that are the worst. Our minds are so focused on negativity that the good rarely shines through. I am endeavoring to become the opposite, my friends and family are burdened enough with everything else that goes on in life. Most of these situations are correctable but human judgment and over-consideration of feelings are often the big blanket that gets in the way. I am of course speaking of my current employment that will end tomorrow morning. 

    I do not like the spiteful and hateful person that I feel I am slowly turning into. I'm tired and want to experience more joys and excitement than the hate and lethargy that have seeped their way into my system. So I say good riddance to this one source of tumult. I know that there are people that I have grown close to at this form of employment that this decision upsets, and yes I am being selfish in usurping the original plan of exit. I have to say that I have never truly wished for anyone's death with the amount of fervor that I do for this boss. So I am cutting myself out of this picture. The money is not worth it, no matter the economy or if I have to live in my car again. It is time that this little doll grow up and deal with things as an adult. 

    My adult decision is now self preservation. Selfish yes, but not as selfish as other immature options I have considered in the past. Now don't mistake me, that reaction was not solely the cause of this job, it was an accumulation of events that I have looked over and my lack of reactions or the proverbial "waving of the victim flag" have made unresolved issues that keep me awake at night and send a cold sweat down my spine at how honestly pathetic I have been in my interactions with everyone I currently or once cared about. I can't fix the past and have determined to never let another situation be "resolved" in that manner again. Sum this all up to say that I am growing my backbone back. And telling the bastard to F- off so I can have time to finish getting this business with Jack off the ground, also to never tell another lie or give another excuse again. Oh...and to keep my soul...and my balls I kind of need those.