Awesome Epitaphs

    As we enter into this season of changing (or just falling, as Florida dictates) leaves, many thoughts turn to the other worldly in time for All Hallows Eve. So, as a little treat, I have found some interesting Epitaphs that should inspire some morbid reflections of your own!
    Shakespeare decided that he was not just content with the whole, "here lies so and so, born and died on this date blah-didy blah blah blah" fad. He decided that something a little more personal and pissy was to be involved. And I quote:

Of course this is in good ole English, but the translation is roughly thus, " Good friend for Jesus' sake forebear, to dig the dust enclosed here. Blessed be the man that spares these stones, and curst be he that moves my bones." 

   Now seeing this makes me want to go back to kindergarten and wave this plaque in the teachers face, all while screaming "See! I could spell PERFECTLY!" 

Some are a bit more humorous. Take these and hope that your family is as creative...on some of them, hope they are a little more so.

He was young
He was fair
But the Injuns
Raised his hair

Colorado

Bill Blake
Was hanged by mistake.
Boot Hill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona

Here lays Butch.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw
Boot Hill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona

Falkirk, England 1690
Here lie the bones of Joseph Jones
Who ate while he was able.
But once overfed, he dropt down dead
And fell beneath the table.
When from the tomb, to meet his doom,
He arises amidst sinners.
Since he must dwell in heaven or hell,
Take him – whichever gives the best dinners.
Silver City, Nevada

Here lies a man named Zeke.
Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek.

John Dryden (1631-1700) on his wife
Here lies my wife: here let her lie!
Now she’s at rest, and so am I.

Larne, Ireland – On a hanged sheep stealer
Here lies the body of
Thomas Kemp.
Who lived by wool
and died by hemp.
Bletchley, Bucks, England

So there you have it folks! Have a safe and happy Halloween and wish Jackie and I luck on the exploding pumpkins tomorrow! 

I have finally moved from Myspace!

   So, as the downfall of one of the most famous social networking sites has finally happened, I have transferred the more entertaining of my previous posts to here! Joy for all!
    Unfortunately, I have lost a most entertaining blog that has to do with false advertising, perhaps it inhabits the Jackie Pennington Blogs, but if not then it has been lost to the cruel grips of the interwebs.
   I have promised myself to write at least one blog a week, so as to keep up my knowledge and use of the English Language, which tends to deteriorate at phenomenal speed when not regularly put into practice. Specifically when your father speaks a bastardized form of Cockney and you are in regular contact with him.
  So, short but sweet and to the point, I shall post more. When I remember to.

Things that go bump in the night.

   So, last week I was convinced that the worst thing in Jackie's yard was Chubby Bunny, who terrorized Mandy to no end.  This week it's Bambi from Hell!

   Let me explain, I was walking to my car after a day of relaxed fun when suddenly a strange little thing appeared from behind the back of her father's truck, now, this would not be so wierd if I were in say New York. I would assume it to be a homeless guy, throw him a cigarette and be on my merry way before he figured out that it was a clove and tried to trade it out.

   However, this occured near some trees in Ponte Vedra, where there are no homeless people. And, I am ashamed to say, I backed up to the porch before turning and running like the girl that I am...To get a big stick or that vintage 12gauge sawed off that I knew was by the doorway. 

   Once I burst into the house, Jackie calmed me by telling me that I would be ok, and that she would point a flashlight into the woods while she stood on the porch. Fat lot of good that did.

   I returned to the walkway and began to retrace my steps to the car, all the while describing to dear Bambi about how I was going to slow cook him if he tried that shit again. When suddenly, out of the blue or black if you prefer, a loud crashing resounded through the woods, headed in Jackie's direction! I doubled my speed and reached the car as I heard Jackie unleash a very unladylike torrent of f-bombs, cocksuckers, assmunchers, and the like, before slamming the door.

   We made it out alive, but am not sure what decided to poke it's creepy woodland head out of the primordial Floridian woods and scare the piss out of us, but that night I did dream about double bareling Sam & Dean. So I believe that makes up for the injustice of almost making me wet my pants.

Thank you, powers that be. And goodnight.

Spy Movies and Hooker Heels

I was recently asked how, in God's name, I walked in my new shoes (which I have somehow managed to trapeze around in at work without being yelled at yet). They are four inches tall, metallic copper, and allow me to see the world from the perspective of a person of normal height.
 
In short, I love them.

This then, made me think about Ginger Roberts and the fact that she could do the chacha in these suckers without breaking a sweat. Where as I can barely cross the parking lot at a brisk pace.

So, in short,  Ginger would have made the best spy on earth. Not only could she create a fabulously choreographed distraction, but she could cross a power line without a costume change.  And that, my friends, is the mark of a classy bitch

Reasons for Breaking up with someone and not fealing bad.

Well, I haven't been on in a while, and since the last blog was nothing but a miniature bitch fest...I've decided that I will share with you the lighter side of life. Here, compiled for your pleasure/ information, is the aforementioned list we compiled at the Hard Rock Casino.

Justification # 1.
   He turned out to be gay.

#2. Refers to you as 'the cute little girlfriend' instead of using your real name.

#3. Calls you like a Cocker Spaniel.

#4. Requires to see your report card.

#5. Says something about taking you to church in that post-coital moment.

#6. Gets mad because the asian singer is flirting with you.

#7. Decides to take up stripping.

#8. Is a Neo Nazi.

#9. Doesn't know where the oil goes in a car.

#10. Insults you repeatedly on your lifestyle choices (going to school, reading, taking birth control)

#11. Requests a threesome with his buddy...not another woman, HIS buddy.

#12. Tries to kiss you at 2am, after you know he didn't brush his teeth earlier.

#13.  Trying to kiss you before he brushes his teeth period.

#14. Making a myspace page that compares women to computer programs. aka- how girlfriends are upgraded to wife.

#15. Compares your relationship to a glowing sunset that will light your path to love and life forever, and how because you shine like a diamond in his eye he's going to buy you a pretty, round, shiny object and you're going to like it because you're his girlfriend and he can give you whatever he wants to and he likes you because you're cute and pretty and he wants something little on his arm and you should stop being a bartender and drives up at three am to stop you from leaving him, and splits up your relationship with your friends because some of them are on his side, and then tells you what to do, because he doesn't believe that you're really doing what you say you're doing and that you can't take care of yourself and you love him.
   - all this after two months of mistakenly saying 'sure, I'll go out to dinner with you.'

#16. Is Mormon

And.....#17. Asks you to 'melly me for gleencard.'



And yes, all of this has happened.

How Floridians Survive

Well, as this horrid website has decided to prevent me from posting some more of my story, I have decided to let the rest of the world in on some timeless recipes for staying un-hot and bothered in this wonderful 101 degree weather that we're having right now.
Here are a few of my favorites.

1. Ice water (this is not recommended if you are wearing white-or maybe it is!;)

2. Swamp cooler. It's a hell of a lot handier than it sounds

3. Good old fashioned air conditioner.

4. Window unit - this is not the same as a central heating and air, this model requires that you be in the same room as the unit, the rest of the house, unfortunately, is the same temperature that it is outside.

5. A hose.

6. Your car, so you can make your own breeze

7. The refrigerator

8. Ice placed in front of an electric fan, or your little brother who's assignment is to wave a flattened cardboard box over the ice in your direction so that the headless horseman won't come get him that night.

9. If you are so lucky as to poses an airplane, merely crank it, set it on idle, and pop open a lukewarm Cerveza.

10. Ice rubber banded to your dick....If you are so inclined to have one.

There is your summer survival kit, now, go have fun.

Mabel! I did not mean to treat you oh, so bad!

So, Mabel is dead and what an extraordinary send off! She was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, and now I have Sally The Van and my parents to contend with.

  First of all, neither my father nor my mother believed that she was actually totaled....they thought differently when they actually saw her.


However, I believe that this was the best of circumstances for her to have departed under. Seeing as her trade in value was $300 when the guy had never even seen her (Bluebook said that she was worth a whopping $14).

So, we will be having the funeral next week....sometime....after I find a way to continue driving....like with a new car that I have to find....That's not a piece of shit.