Bands Worth Driving to Atlanta For, and Others....Not So Much.

As those people who are close to me know, I, as well as my loyal whipping boy Rufus, have a distinct hatred of a certain city.

In fact, it is a hatred that is so deeply ingrained into me that my entire psyche revolts from the typical path of “just let it go and breathe” method and hyper drives into full out bitch mode.
  Yes, Atlanta. The shining city of the south that spews cultural love and brotherhood and hosts alternative death metal bands across the street from the heartwarmingly saccharine Museum of Puppetry.  That city. The city whose glistening sky scrapers hide the ugly truth of braided, interweaving traffic where the drivers feel no need to actually look at the road as they peruse the fluctuating 15 lanes at the reasonable speed of 90mph.

   The city that hosts “Valet Parking Only” when your car is about 20 years older than the idiot who is trying to crank it up for your so called convenience. Especially when you specifically told him not to touch the fucking 1979 Diesel who has glow plugs. But no, he had to try to crank it like any old Honda and did a really good job of almost flooding the engine as you scream at him to get out of your car and that you’ll have his nut sack on a plate if he doesn’t stop.
   Ahem….pardon my French.  

All of this aside, the concert at Center Stage was beyond Epic!
Dir en Grey rules. Enough said.

So, to begin. There are certain bands Myself and Jackie will go through Hell and back to see…and…there are certain bands whom I won’t pull any member out of the way of a passing freight train and certain death. In fact, I might facilitate an “early” demise.

There are many, but I shall limit this list to 10 each.



The Ones That ARE Worth It:

1. Dir en Grey (again)

2. The Gazette

3. Red Hot Chili Peppers

4. Gackt

 5. Depeche Mode (again)

                                                                                                          6. Nickleback (again)

7. 30 Seconds to Mars

8.  Miyavi (again)

9. Chevelle

And last, but certainly not least!
10. Kirito

 No way in Hell!!!1111!

1. The Pillows (or anything a boy named Adrian likes)



















2. Violent Soho

                                                                         3. Shonen Knife

 4. Gwar (no offense, and R.I.P.)

5. Kamelot

6. Steely Dan (go ahead Melon, rip us)



 7. John Mayer

8. Half of the artists on the Twilight soundtracks.

9. This Bitch (Bjork)



















10. Allanis Morriset.

And to crank it to 11.…

The Birthday Massacre....yeah.

Another List!

    Many years ago while Jackie and I were inhabiting the Hard Rock Casino in Tampa, we decided on a blog topic that had great success and gave us a good many stories that make the plots of several comedy films look quite mundane!

   You can locate said post here! I finally found it! Haha! 

http://leolasimmaterialmusings.blogspot.com/2011/10/reasons-for-breaking-up-with-someone.html

..................................................................................................................................................................

So, onward with business!

Here is a continuation of  "Reasons for breaking up with someone and justifiably not feeling bad about it." The Nick Edition.


And we begin with :

#1.   They turn out to be an Emo and cry profusely....all the time.

#2. They call you at one in the morning because their crack- head friend forgot that cars run on gasoline and oil. And now the car runs no more! Because it's owner was a meth slurping, booze swilling moron. And your Xani addled love is sitting on the concrete next to him. Nice.






 


#3. He calls you because, in one day:
He is so distraught, that he had $500 dollars stolen, in broad daylight, in the middle of a KFC! Then, he looses $150 of his own personal money from somewhere in his wallet, and as he is talking to you; distraught and upset and hyperventilating and pissing himself while in his company truck.....loses  control of the vehicle and hits a curb....busting the wheel off the truck and promptly getting fired. Now, all of us have bad days, however.....yeah.
    



#4. He wants to buy a miniature monkey. And harasses you about it for months while blatantly ignoring the fact that the pet brochure says they eat cats. Of which you have two.

#5. Mistakes you for the maid and keeps leaving doggie treats as tips.

#6. Tells you: "I don't know how to tell you this.......I have another boyfriend. Is that cool with you?" On the first date. 



































#7. No matter how many years you've been together, they leave the bathroom door open while dropping a deuce. And then don't wash their hands...and want to hug you.

#8. They have an all consuming need to be by your side 24 hours a day and have determined that work, school and your need to breathe are inconsequential. 

#9. They mumble obscenities and complaints constantly after a disagreement, and then tell you that nothing's wrong. When you distinctly heard them call you a mud- flipping, holocaustic, slack -jawed, yellow -bellied, guinea-napper. 

This is a Guinea. 

This is a Napper.


Don't say I never explain anything.




And finally!
#10.    Not really a date, but the co-worker that you hate so much you want to make out with. And for that I have a video!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNALZ5SkU9c




There you go! And I promise to update more...again....

   Inspiration can come from the oddest sources, can't it?
Yesterday, as I was enjoying my sleep deprivation caused by the combination of having a social life and working at 5am; I discovered a hypothetical situation that needs to be made into a movie!

   To explain, I was at Jackie's house, rolling on the floor and laughing at the ceiling fan when she decided that a seek and find game would make the best entertainment for my wedging brain.
*For those of you not in the know, Wedging is the state of consciousness that is characterized by a severe lack of sleep and too much caffeine. In fact it tends to relate more towards the crash of caffeinated consciousness and onset of insomniatic delirium.* 

This particular game was based around the theme of being in the shoes of a kidnap victim with amnesia. She has to complete these tasks given to her by her kidnapper. A game, if you will. Honestly it was more along the lines of "I'm too lazy to clean my house up so I'm going to kidnap some chick and make her do it."

  All the while, he's taunting her and watching her from the cameras he's stationed around the room. Now, upon her asking where she is, he mentions that he's "taken her memory" and many other things from her.

  At which point I would begin asking where he has placed my penis. Because honestly! I was sure that I'd had it before this lazy ass psychopath took me here! It must be in a box, for that's the best place for a detachable penis, right!?
  Now, if you are actually kidnapped, most people beg and cry to be let go. However, that is what said kidnapper usually wants, if not that then a lot of money... and seeing as how most college students are broke, well then it must be for shits and giggles. 
   So, instead of doing the normal routine, go for a dadaistic approach. Make them think you're bat shit crazy and they'll probably kick you out!

  Saves a lot of time and energy if you start singing the macarena and chewing on your shoe instead of flipping out.

The internet is for.....

Apparently a lot more than porn! 
By the by, Hello Russia. Have some vodka for me!
  So, as an explanation for this story, I was perusing some of the people attending the upcoming Dir en Grey concert at the venue Jackie and myself will be attending. And in doing so, I made a little discovery. Most of the people attending the concert we are going to are...going to all of the concerts. Which is nice and all, don't get me wrong, but if I were a member of the band I might be a little bit nervous about who I was inviting backstage afterward. Perhaps a particular Playboy Bunny for instance, or the nice bassist from a certain band of gingers. *shudder*
   In this frivolous pursuit of my fellow Diruphiles I realized that there is one simple way of determining what kind of person someone actually is. It has very little to do with their demeanor, or their hairstyle (or lack thereof) and can be summed up in one little sentence. 
Facebook Interests and profile pictures.

   Yes my friends! That is all!  Because the nice lady at your mentally handicapped child's center seems all PG until you look her up on the world wide web and discover her love of BSDM and the picture of her balancing a beer bottle on her head while shoving a slice of pizza into her mouth, all while garbed in pirate gear. 
  Most of you will be shaking your head while muttering, "Duh." However, I am very new to this whole technology craze and still find that the shiny center of a 4X6 floppy disc to be the most space age contraption I have seen in a while. 
  Now, this could spawn a whole tirade about how technology is making the youth of today stupid and all, but we will disregard that. Youth is always stupid, no matter what century.

  
So, the moral of the story is thus, the next time you meet that really hot guy on the sidewalk, or wherever; make sure to look him up on Facebook or Google his ass to make sure he doesn't really view himself as this:

  

Awesome Epitaphs

    As we enter into this season of changing (or just falling, as Florida dictates) leaves, many thoughts turn to the other worldly in time for All Hallows Eve. So, as a little treat, I have found some interesting Epitaphs that should inspire some morbid reflections of your own!
    Shakespeare decided that he was not just content with the whole, "here lies so and so, born and died on this date blah-didy blah blah blah" fad. He decided that something a little more personal and pissy was to be involved. And I quote:

Of course this is in good ole English, but the translation is roughly thus, " Good friend for Jesus' sake forebear, to dig the dust enclosed here. Blessed be the man that spares these stones, and curst be he that moves my bones." 

   Now seeing this makes me want to go back to kindergarten and wave this plaque in the teachers face, all while screaming "See! I could spell PERFECTLY!" 

Some are a bit more humorous. Take these and hope that your family is as creative...on some of them, hope they are a little more so.

He was young
He was fair
But the Injuns
Raised his hair

Colorado

Bill Blake
Was hanged by mistake.
Boot Hill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona

Here lays Butch.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw
Boot Hill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona

Falkirk, England 1690
Here lie the bones of Joseph Jones
Who ate while he was able.
But once overfed, he dropt down dead
And fell beneath the table.
When from the tomb, to meet his doom,
He arises amidst sinners.
Since he must dwell in heaven or hell,
Take him – whichever gives the best dinners.
Silver City, Nevada

Here lies a man named Zeke.
Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek.

John Dryden (1631-1700) on his wife
Here lies my wife: here let her lie!
Now she’s at rest, and so am I.

Larne, Ireland – On a hanged sheep stealer
Here lies the body of
Thomas Kemp.
Who lived by wool
and died by hemp.
Bletchley, Bucks, England

So there you have it folks! Have a safe and happy Halloween and wish Jackie and I luck on the exploding pumpkins tomorrow! 

I have finally moved from Myspace!

   So, as the downfall of one of the most famous social networking sites has finally happened, I have transferred the more entertaining of my previous posts to here! Joy for all!
    Unfortunately, I have lost a most entertaining blog that has to do with false advertising, perhaps it inhabits the Jackie Pennington Blogs, but if not then it has been lost to the cruel grips of the interwebs.
   I have promised myself to write at least one blog a week, so as to keep up my knowledge and use of the English Language, which tends to deteriorate at phenomenal speed when not regularly put into practice. Specifically when your father speaks a bastardized form of Cockney and you are in regular contact with him.
  So, short but sweet and to the point, I shall post more. When I remember to.

Things that go bump in the night.

   So, last week I was convinced that the worst thing in Jackie's yard was Chubby Bunny, who terrorized Mandy to no end.  This week it's Bambi from Hell!

   Let me explain, I was walking to my car after a day of relaxed fun when suddenly a strange little thing appeared from behind the back of her father's truck, now, this would not be so wierd if I were in say New York. I would assume it to be a homeless guy, throw him a cigarette and be on my merry way before he figured out that it was a clove and tried to trade it out.

   However, this occured near some trees in Ponte Vedra, where there are no homeless people. And, I am ashamed to say, I backed up to the porch before turning and running like the girl that I am...To get a big stick or that vintage 12gauge sawed off that I knew was by the doorway. 

   Once I burst into the house, Jackie calmed me by telling me that I would be ok, and that she would point a flashlight into the woods while she stood on the porch. Fat lot of good that did.

   I returned to the walkway and began to retrace my steps to the car, all the while describing to dear Bambi about how I was going to slow cook him if he tried that shit again. When suddenly, out of the blue or black if you prefer, a loud crashing resounded through the woods, headed in Jackie's direction! I doubled my speed and reached the car as I heard Jackie unleash a very unladylike torrent of f-bombs, cocksuckers, assmunchers, and the like, before slamming the door.

   We made it out alive, but am not sure what decided to poke it's creepy woodland head out of the primordial Floridian woods and scare the piss out of us, but that night I did dream about double bareling Sam & Dean. So I believe that makes up for the injustice of almost making me wet my pants.

Thank you, powers that be. And goodnight.