Many years ago while Jackie and I were inhabiting the Hard Rock Casino in Tampa, we decided on a blog topic that had great success and gave us a good many stories that make the plots of several comedy films look quite mundane!
You can locate said post here! I finally found it! Haha!
http://leolasimmaterialmusings.blogspot.com/2011/10/reasons-for-breaking-up-with-someone.html
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So, onward with business!
Here is a continuation of "Reasons for breaking up with someone and justifiably not feeling bad about it." The Nick Edition.
And we begin with :
#1. They turn out to be an Emo and cry profusely....all the time.
#2. They call you at one in the morning because their crack- head friend forgot that cars run on gasoline and oil. And now the car runs no more! Because it's owner was a meth slurping, booze swilling moron. And your Xani addled love is sitting on the concrete next to him. Nice.
#3. He calls you because, in one day:
He is so distraught, that he had $500 dollars stolen, in broad daylight, in the middle of a KFC! Then, he looses $150 of his own personal money from somewhere in his wallet, and as he is talking to you; distraught and upset and hyperventilating and pissing himself while in his company truck.....loses control of the vehicle and hits a curb....busting the wheel off the truck and promptly getting fired. Now, all of us have bad days, however.....yeah.
#4. He wants to buy a miniature monkey. And harasses you about it for months while blatantly ignoring the fact that the pet brochure says they eat cats. Of which you have two.
#5. Mistakes you for the maid and keeps leaving doggie treats as tips.
#6. Tells you: "I don't know how to tell you this.......I have another boyfriend. Is that cool with you?" On the first date.
#7. No matter how many years you've been together, they leave the bathroom door open while dropping a deuce. And then don't wash their hands...and want to hug you.
#8. They have an all consuming need to be by your side 24 hours a day and have determined that work, school and your need to breathe are inconsequential.
#9. They mumble obscenities and complaints constantly after a disagreement, and then tell you that nothing's wrong. When you distinctly heard them call you a mud- flipping, holocaustic, slack -jawed, yellow -bellied, guinea-napper.
This is a Guinea.
This is a Napper.
Don't say I never explain anything.
And finally!
#10. Not really a date, but the co-worker that you hate so much you want to make out with. And for that I have a video!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNALZ5SkU9c
There you go! And I promise to update more...again....
Inspiration can come from the oddest sources, can't it?
Yesterday,
as I was enjoying my sleep deprivation caused by the combination of
having a social life and working at 5am; I discovered a hypothetical
situation that needs to be made into a movie!
To explain, I was at Jackie's house, rolling on the floor and laughing at the ceiling fan when she decided that a seek and find game would make the best entertainment for my wedging brain.
*For those of you not in the know, Wedging is the state of consciousness that is characterized by a severe lack of sleep and too much caffeine. In fact it tends to relate more towards the crash of caffeinated consciousness and onset of insomniatic delirium.*
This particular game was based around the theme of being in the shoes of a kidnap victim with amnesia. She has to complete these tasks given to her by her kidnapper. A game, if you will. Honestly it was more along the lines of "I'm too lazy to clean my house up so I'm going to kidnap some chick and make her do it."
All the while, he's taunting her and watching her from the cameras he's stationed around the room. Now, upon her asking where she is, he mentions that he's "taken her memory" and many other things from her.
At which point I would begin asking where he has placed my penis. Because honestly! I was sure that I'd had it before this lazy ass psychopath took me here! It must be in a box, for that's the best place for a detachable penis, right!?
Now, if you are actually kidnapped, most people beg and cry to be let go. However, that is what said kidnapper usually wants, if not that then a lot of money... and seeing as how most college students are broke, well then it must be for shits and giggles.
So, instead of doing the normal routine, go for a dadaistic approach. Make them think you're bat shit crazy and they'll probably kick you out!
Saves a lot of time and energy if you start singing the macarena and chewing on your shoe instead of flipping out.
Apparently a lot more than porn!
By the by, Hello Russia. Have some vodka for me!
So, as an explanation for this story, I was perusing some of the people attending the upcoming Dir en Grey concert at the venue Jackie and myself will be attending. And in doing so, I made a little discovery. Most of the people attending the concert we are going to are...going to all of the concerts. Which is nice and all, don't get me wrong, but if I were a member of the band I might be a little bit nervous about who I was inviting backstage afterward. Perhaps a particular Playboy Bunny for instance, or the nice bassist from a certain band of gingers. *shudder*
In this frivolous pursuit of my fellow Diruphiles I realized that there is one simple way of determining what kind of person someone actually is. It has very little to do with their demeanor, or their hairstyle (or lack thereof) and can be summed up in one little sentence.
Facebook Interests and profile pictures.
Yes my friends! That is all! Because the nice lady at your mentally handicapped child's center seems all PG until you look her up on the world wide web and discover her love of BSDM and the picture of her balancing a beer bottle on her head while shoving a slice of pizza into her mouth, all while garbed in pirate gear.
Most of you will be shaking your head while muttering, "Duh." However, I am very new to this whole technology craze and still find that the shiny center of a 4X6 floppy disc to be the most space age contraption I have seen in a while.
Now, this could spawn a whole tirade about how technology is making the youth of today stupid and all, but we will disregard that. Youth is always stupid, no matter what century.
So, the moral of the story is thus, the next time you meet that really hot guy on the sidewalk, or wherever; make sure to look him up on Facebook or Google his ass to make sure he doesn't really view himself as this:
